Just Another White Girl Raised on 'Skinny Language', Trying To Do Better

thoughts on equity, justice, and parenting while white

  • Blog
  • Amplify This
  • About
white moms for black lives.jpg

Rethinking Perspective in the Time of Protest

September 16, 2017 by Adelaide Lancaster

If you’re inclined to think the justice system works, then you’re likely under the impression that the facts were known, weighed and ruled upon. You might be missing the systematic ways that the justice system tends to favor those who created and uphold it while harming those most marginalized.

If you’re inclined to pull from your own personal experiences to consider how you might have behaved differently than a particular victim, then you might also be missing the long-held truths from communities of color about how their experience of the justice system is vastly different from that of white folks.

If you haven’t done a lot of first hand reading about the civil rights movement and Martin Luther King, then you’re likely to “remember” him as a leader quite different from those of today and you might be wondering why we don’t have leaders like that anymore. You might be missing leaders of the same ilk all around us, the civil rights heroes of our day and age.

If you’re stuck on the monitoring whether or not the protests seem “peaceful” enough, then you might not be considering the distinctions between non-violent and peaceful and you might be getting only a partial story.

If you’ve found yourself concerned about a window or a cancelled concert today, then you might not be fully appreciating the tragic, unnecessary, constant, and abrupt violence that is occurring to real humans in our community daily. You might not be able to imagine what it is like to be stop, frisked, roughly handcuffed, knocked about, strip searched, jailed, beaten or shot. You might not have heard enough parents tell first hand stories about these real fears and experiences with their children.

If you’ve found yourself imagining how you’d feel if you were a law enforcement officer at a protest, then you might be playing out the very real in-group bias which allows you to more easily humanize and personify the character you’re more likely to be (white officer vs marginalized protestor) in the given situation while continuing to disassociate from those who are in real and chronic pain.

If you’ve found yourself scared about the protests or protestors, their proximity to you, or worried about what they might do or what might be damaged, then you might still be burdened by the racist messages that accompany seeing a large group of black people. You might not have suffered from the same fear with regard to the women’s march or the most recent march in Boston or the protest at the airport about the immigration-ban. School districts cancelled school on Friday and cancelled all school and sports activities. Big box stores miles and miles from downtown or any location of significance also closed on Friday. This is an example of racism.

If you’ve thought of the protests as violent and imagined the protestors to be the aggressors, then you might not yet appreciate what it looks like and feels like to have hundreds of unarmed people, walking in public, loudly and proudly, carrying signs, kids, microphones, water, and little else strategizing about which pieces of pavement they can walk on met by a completely militarized police force or soldiers in riot gear, with vehicles and tanks, carrying semi-automatic weapons. Note how the militarized group is praised for using their restraint when chanted at. Was it really so tempting to shoot and hurt us?

If you’ve gotten fussy about the protesting tactics used, and extended empathy to those inconvenienced by waiting or not getting what they want when they want it, you might not yet appreciate that protests are meant to disrupt the normal flow of traffic and business in order to call attention to grave injustice…because that is what non-violent people are willing to continually do when they believe it is a matter of life and death.

If you have a picture of protestors in your mind OR YOUR MEDIA that doesn’t include artists, teachers, students, professors, the elderly, strollers, baby carriers, friends, families, mothers then you aren’t seeing the full picture.

If the injustice doesn’t bother you then protest is not the space for you and you should have probably stopped reading at the top. But if the injustice is making you crazy and yet you’re finding yourself getting stuck in one of these other places, you may want to consider joining and seeing for yourself. I don’t think I’m that scary. And I’m not violent either.

September 16, 2017 /Adelaide Lancaster
Comment
h w sign.jpg

Commitments and Reflections on the Eve of a Verdict

September 14, 2017 by Adelaide Lancaster

ONCE…I was concerned about a black boy who lay dead in the street for 4 hours after being murdered by a white police officer who was so clear about his authority to kill that he had no idea at the time that THIS time it’d be different. I was concerned but SILENT. Isolated. Worried about who was safe to talk to. Frustrated. (increasingly) Suffocated by the silence around me. Unsure about everything…what to do…what to say...how to help. Uneasy. Fraudulent-feeling. Carrying the weight of seemingly-impossible change alone. I was wilted by seeming conventional wisdom that surrounded me: “This is the way it’s always been. It’s a shame but what can be done. It’s complicated and beyond reach. You have to look at “both sides.” You can’t really believe that? That’s naïve. When you’re older you’ll change your mind. When you have more money you’ll think differently. When you have kids, you’ll think differently.”

NOW…I’m clear. Black Lives Matter. Racism is killing us all…but the death takes different forms. I’m unavoidably part of the problem. I’m a necessary part of the solution. I know that my words, actions, and influence matters. I know it’s not for me to say what’s good enough. I know it’s not for me to say when we’ve arrived or even what liberation looks like. I’m listening and learning and believing and following. I’m clear that the history I’ve inherited is woefully incomplete. Even what I think I know has layers and layers of complexity that are resonate and relevant to today. I’m also clear that history is happening now and that everyday decisions make differences.

I’m still plagued by the mental tape that carries the messages of ONCE UPON A TIME because that shit is hard to un-program.

The people in our region have grown a lot since August 9, 2014 but our systems of injustice prevail. It’s likely that tomorrow begins another steep and painful growth curve for our region. I wish it weren’t so. I wish our community wasn’t conditioned to expect injustice. But we are, and for good reason. It’s also likely that the pain of tomorrow and beyond will present opportunities for more people to consider whether they can tolerate this status quo any longer…whether this is the reality that they want to give to the children of our region...and whether the benefits they are given are worth the costs they endure themselves and exact from others.

If you find yourself feeling silenced, suffocated, uneasy, despairing and unsure of what to do or say, please reach out to me. I would love to talk to you. It took me 8 months after Michael Brown Jr’s killing to find my public voice. I’m not going anywhere. Reach out tomorrow or 2018 or beyond. It’s never to late to take a different approach and start working for what could be. We need you. True change will take most of us.

September 14, 2017 /Adelaide Lancaster
Comment
hands.jpg

Resources for the White Person's Learning Journey - in STL & Beyond

August 12, 2017 by Adelaide Lancaster

Alright white folks. We've got work to do. If you are upset about what is happening in Charlottesville (or anywhere), here are some seemingly small but important things you can DO DIFFERENTLY today.

{Research supports that there are three ways that we decrease bias as white folks.

1. Have explicit conversations. Do not be vague. Do not continue on. See something. Say something. Talk about race. Talk about your race. Talk about your racial socialization. Talk about race with your children. Race is observable to all. In the absence of explicit conversation, observable differences become attributed to individual preference or characteristics rather than to their systemic or historical origins.

2. Learn and talk about the history of discrimination and bias. Even and especially with your children, even and especially with your white children. The history we all learn is woefully incomplete.

3. Increase your opportunities for exposure across racial groups. Yes, real personal relationships are the best. Yet we are horribly segregated and have a lot of learning to do first. Increase your access to media, thought pieces, scholarship, first hand accounts and stories. Invest your time finding and believing what's already been shared instead of asking a new friend or acquaintance to bring you up to speed.

Below are some resources that can help you do all of the above.}

PICK ONE.
ENGAGE.
SHARE. WITH FIVE OTHERS. TELL WHY IT WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHAT YOU LEARNED OR ARE THINKING ABOUT DIFFERENTLY.

Don't let overwhelm stop you. Just one. Just do it. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. Do ONE thing and share it with FIVE people.

Beginning an Exploration of Whiteness

Waking Up White by Debbie Irving (book)
White Like Me by Tim Wise (book)
Peggy McIntosh’s Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack (article)
https://www.pcc.edu/resources/illumination/documents/white-privilege-essay-mcintosh.pdf

Witnessing Whiteness Program (20 week class offered by the YWCA)
http://witnessingwhiteness.com/workshop-series/

Sign up for Witnessing Whiteness in St Louis @
http://www.ywcastlouis.org/site/c.elKSIbOWIkJ8H/b.9510305/k.66FE/Witnessing_Whiteness.htm

Eula Biss on On Being (podcast episode)
https://onbeing.org/programs/eula-biss-lets-talk-about-whiteness-jan2017/

 

Beginning a Conversation with Kids About Race

Why Do It:
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/the_kids/2014/03/teaching_tolerance_how_white_parents_should_talk_to_their_kids_about_race.html

Books to Start With:
Shades of People; All the Colors We Are; The Skin You Live In; Amazing Grace; Ron’s Big Mission

Sign Up for We Stories in St. Louis if you are a family with at least one kid 0-7
http://www.westories.org

VISIT EyeSeeMe Bookstore              https://www.eyeseeme.com/

The Longest Shortest Time: How Not to Raise a Racist (podcast episode)
http://longestshortesttime.com/episode-116-how-to-not-accidentally-raise-a-racist/

This American Life: Birds & Bees (podcast episode)
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/557/birds-bees

Talk about Ruby Bridges with your children & watch real footage
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/african-americans-many-rivers-to-cross/video/ruby-bridges-goes-to-school/

Learn about the Children’s March together (documentary clips)
https://zinnedproject.org/materials/the-childrens-march/

 

Some Important History You Might Have Missed
13th  (documentary)             https://www.netflix.com/title/80091741

The Making of Ferguson (article that applies to most every city and place in our nation)
http://prospect.org/article/making-ferguson-how-decades-hostile-policy-created-powder-keg

The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander (book)

Black Panther: Vanguard of the Revolution (PBS film)
http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/films/the-black-panthers-vanguard-of-the-revolution/

KKK profile on Southern Poverty Law Center Website
https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/ideology/ku-klux-klan

The Racist History of Portland, The Whitest City in America
https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/07/racist-history-portland/492035/

 

Further Exploration of St. Louis History

Radio:
St. Louis in Black and White on St. Louis Public Radio

(Short 15 minute segments about local history from sundown towns to Pruitt-Igoe to Percy Green and the Arch. They were produced pre-Ferguson.)
http://www.stlpublicradio.org/programs/black-white/

We Live Here Podcasts         http://www.welivehere.show/

Videos & Documentaries:
Pruitt-Igoe Myth                   http://www.pruitt-igoe.com/

16 in Webster Groves           https://vimeo.com/12658300

Whose Streets?                      http://www.whosestreets.com/

Displaced & Erased: History of Clayton’s Black Neighborhood https://vimeo.com/213255255

Exhibits:
#1 in Civil Rights @ Missouri History Museum
North Webster Historical Walking Tour

 

STL Regional Research and Leadership

For the Sake of All Report, Dr. Jason Purnell
https://forthesakeofall.org/

Ferguson Commission Report, Ferguson Commissioners
http://forwardthroughferguson.org/report/executive-summary/

Profiles of #stlchange on Forward Through Ferguson’s Facebook page
https://www.facebook.com/stlchange/

 

If you are a teacher in STL -> Education Focused Resources

Educators for Social Justice (network & conference)
http://www.educatorsforsocialjustice.org/

Racial Equity Curriculum Partnership:
Mentorship Program for Educators for Social Justice and We Stories
http://bit.ly/2tSpRRY

ExpandED Equity (network & events)       https://www.expandedequity.com/

ADL’s website & tool kit
https://www.adl.org/education-and-resources/resources-for-educators-parents-families/lesson-plans

Teaching Tolerance (website and magazine)        https://www.tolerance.org/

Everyday Anti-Racism ed. Mica Pollock (book)

Can We Talk About Race? By Beverly Tatum (book)

VISIT EyeSeeMe Bookstore              https://www.eyeseeme.com/

 

Podcast Episodes I've Loved

john a powell
https://onbeing.org/programs/john-a-powell-opening-the-question-of-race-to-the-question-of-belonging/

Patrice Cullors
https://onbeing.org/programs/patrisse-cullors-and-robert-ross-the-spiritual-work-of-black-lives-matter-may2017/

Ruby Sales
https://onbeing.org/programs/ruby-sales-where-does-it-hurt/

 

August 12, 2017 /Adelaide Lancaster
Comment

Steps for Being Slightly Less Silent When You’re Not Convinced Your Voice Matters

September 29, 2015 by Adelaide Lancaster

I engaged in my fair share of mean girl behavior when I was young. I strove to be a prescribed ideal. I vetted others against that ideal and aligned or didn’t align myself accordingly. But meeting a standard alone, wasn’t all - scarcity was also in play. In this system of adolescent girlness there wasn’t enough room for everyone even if you could approximate the pretty/popular/fun/smart/athletic ideal close enough. I somehow spent my middle school and early high school years simultaneously conforming to be more like my friends while also competing amongst my friends for who had the closest connections or most power. It was awful. It was my turn to be “out” of the power dynamic in 6th grade, and again in 10th grade, when after a full year of what we would now call bullying, I transferred schools, moving away to school in another state.

There were lots of lessons buried in this heap of teenage trauma. I learned a lot about conformity and power and how popularity works. I learned a lot about how to hurt someone and what makes for a good friend and a healthy social life. I hope that the messages I give my kids about all of the above help them to be more resilient and self-reliant during the same periods in their life. We already talk a lot about how different friends are great for different reasons and we like to spend time with them differently as a result. We already talk about how we appreciate the parts of our friends that are different than us. And how real friends let you be yourself. And I never use the term best friend.

One of the most powerful things I learned about during this time though was just how destructive and dangerous silence can be. It was my most salient experience of public suffering. Yet most of the time no one said anything. I could talk to my mom and a few sympathetic friends. But for the most part it went unacknowledged despite it’s obviousness. I had one friend who tried to split her time between the girl bully and me. She didn’t want to get in the middle. I understood. It was the safest thing to do. The stakes seemed high. But over time this kind of silence grated on me. It hurt. A lot. More than the bullying sometimes. After I moved away people (teachers, administrators and other parents) would see my mom and say what a shame it was what happened to me and that I left. I remember feeling surprised. And also angry to know about their concern after the fact.

It’s amazing to me, even now, what a profound impact silence has on all of us – it breeds more suffering.

Read More
September 29, 2015 /Adelaide Lancaster
parenting while white, social justice curriculum, st. louis, silence, activism, racial justice
1 Comment

Life After Ferguson: How Michael Brown's Killing Changed My (White) Family

August 29, 2015 by Adelaide Lancaster

I can tell two stories about the first 26 months I spent in St. Louis, the time period I now think of as “before Ferguson.”

The first is that I loved St. Louis, with its countless amenities, all easily accessible and well utilized. The cost of living is great. The people are friendly, forgiving of things like the chaos of too many small children. So I dove in. I said yes to everything. I organized, hosted. Like magic, a reliable and loving community seemed to form around me.

Granted, these friends were different than the ones I’d had in Philadelphia and New York, more religious, more conservative. I learned to filter my comments because I could no longer assume that most would agree with just anything I said. For many of my new friends, being gay was a sin (love the person, hate the sin). So was all abortion. So was premarital sex. Obama was a hot topic. Obamacare was an even hotter topic. I started thinking about things I’d never considered before, like what is the polite way to inquire about the presence and security of guns in other peoples’ homes before arranging play dates?

But that was a good thing, right? Wasn’t I growing as a person by embracing these differences? I read Jonathan Haidt’s book “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion” to help me understand the “very nice” people whose views were so different from mine. I deepened my appreciation for religious perspectives, for the pro-life point of view. I got off my east coast high horse and realized just how great life can be when you don’t spend half of it in traffic.

The second story is that it’s hard to live in a place where the predominant values are incongruous with your own, and in St. Louis, the cultural warning signs are anything but subtle.

Read More
August 29, 2015 /Adelaide Lancaster
st. louis, ferguson
2 Comments
  • Newer
  • Older

Powered by Squarespace